Describe a personal experience that has profoundly changed your perspective on an issue of regional, national, or international importance. In what way has this event impacted your previous perspective? How will it change your approach to this issue (or similar issues) in the future?
When I was 14, my parents decided to take me out of public school. At the time, I was very against the idea of it. Being the rebellious teenager that I was, I felt that uniforms were entirely too oppressive. After being in a private school for four years, I can honestly say that the uniforms helped me in ways I could have never seen at the time. My opinion of uniforms in general has changed drastically, and thanks to my experience, I will now vote in favor of them from now on.
Middle school and high school aged children are going through an odd time in their lives where they're trying so hard to fit in but still stand out in their own way. A lot of kids try to either wear crazy styles or expensive brand name clothes. The unlucky bunch of kids that are still stuck wearing whatever their parents force them to wear are usually judged by their peers for it. This sort of judgment can leave some kids out and hurt their social development. When I was forced to wear the same uniform as everyone around me at school, I found that it was easier to get out of that horrible routine because that possibility of judgment wasn't even present.
To go a step further, I'd argue that having kids wear uniforms helps them to develop their personalities even more. How someone dresses shows a lot about them. When you take that away from kids, they have to learn to make their personalities and interests be what sets them aside from everyone else. For example, you might see a young person in expensive clothing and immediately think they must be popular. A popular clique might start because they all dress the same or shop at the same expensive store. With uniforms, the only kids that are popular are the ones that are actually fun to talk to and be around, the ones that are actually charismatic.
Without a doubt, having to actually wear uniforms for myself has changed my perspective on the subject greatly. When I was younger, before I had worn them myself, I was completely against them in favor of dressing how I want as a form of expressing myself. As I grew up and went through high school wearing a uniform, I came to understand it from a better perspective. I came to understand that having a uniform removes a good deal of judgment that kids that age can bring on each other. I also realized that wearing uniforms gives young adults more of a chance to develop their personalities to stand out in a crowd. I'll definately been in favor of children wearing uniforms while in school in the future.
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ReplyDeleteSo far, I feel pretty good about my paper. I feel like I've really looked over exactly what the question was asking for and met all of it. Especially in the introduction and conclusion, parts of an essay I usually have trouble with, I feel like I've made my intention in the paper clear and brought closure to it as well. If there's anything that remains to be done, I think it might be to add a little more meat to the paper and possibly more examples. I'm really just waiting for reviews at this point to see how the reader feels about that, and will add information accordingly.
Have I made my perspective on the subject of uniforms easy to relate to? Can you understand where I'm coming from with my points even if you're not familiar with wearing uniforms?
In your own words, fully and with precision, describe what the assignment is asking the writer (your partner) to do? Please use your own words rather than merely quote from the assignment.
ReplyDeleteIn 300-500 words (or a little more give or take) in multiple paragraphs, compose an essay of application for a transfer scholarship, another college, or from a prompt of page 146 of Writing in the Works.
Remember to stay focused and persuasive, provide evidence for your topic, appeal to the reader; know your audience, try to capture the interest of your audience and develop your ideas sufficiently for them.
To what extent has your partner met the expectations of the assignment? Please pick a passage as illustration and describe what works well there. Again, try to use your own words.
“How someone dresses shows a lot about them. When you take that away from kids, they have to learn to make their personalities and interests be what sets them aside from everyone else. For example, you might see a young person in expensive clothing and immediately think they must be popular. A popular clique might start because they all dress the same or shop at the same expensive store. With uniforms, the only kids that are popular are the ones that are actually fun to talk to and be around, the ones that are actually charismatic.”
-This paragraph was rather effective, taking relevant personal experience and tying in evidence to support. I feel it worked rather nicely, it went along with her topic, and explained subtly how she felt on the matter, rather than being overly assertive.
What area needs more work? Why? Please pick a passage as illustration and describe what isn’t working.
“Middle school and high school aged children are going through an odd time in their lives where they're trying so hard to fit in but still stand out in their own way.”
This sentence beginning the second paragraph is a little long. You could either shorten it or break it up into two separate sentences.
“To go a step further, I'd argue that having kids wear uniforms helps them to develop their personalities even more. How someone dresses shows a lot about them.”
With this one, I would eliminate the first sentence entirely. The second sentence in this passage is a perfect topic sentence, better than the first, which was overly specific. Using the second sentence as your new topic sentence, you leave room to describe and explain what you mean. If you state what it is in your topic sentence and then in the paragraph you become redundant.
Please indicate TWO questions about the draft and at least ONE suggestion for ways to improve it.
“At the time, I was very against the idea of it. Being the rebellious teenager that I was, I felt that uniforms were entirely too oppressive.”
The only suggestions I have are a couple sentence placements. On this first one I would probably write “I was very against the idea of it, being the rebellious teenager that I was. At the time I felt that uniforms were entirely too oppressive,” then add a couple other adjectives to end that last sentence. Hopefully I’m not leading you in the wrong direction here, but this to me sounds and works a little better.
I think the paper itself is very well written and is easy to connect to. However looking at the question, she didn’t exactly address or indirectly address how this event is of “regional, national, or international importance”. I feel I can make a guess about how it could be significant, like, if the entire world set aside all their prejudices and differences it would be a better place. I think in her summarizing paragraph she could have said something like this leaving guessing unnecessary.
And just a small question, where was it that she went to school?
So far, I feel pretty good about my paper. I feel like I've really looked over exactly what the question was asking for and met all of it. Especially in the introduction and conclusion, parts of an essay I usually have trouble with, I feel like I've made my intention in the paper clear and brought closure to it as well. If there's anything that remains to be done, I think it might be to add a little more meat to the paper and possibly more examples. I'm really just waiting for reviews at this point to see how the reader feels about that, and will add information accordingly.
ReplyDeleteHave I made my perspective on the subject of uniforms easy to relate to? Can you understand where I'm coming from with my points even if you're not familiar with wearing uniforms?